Close Shave Cast GERALD Time After Christmas Place Bathroom Setting A sink would be great, but nothing really needed except light
Gerald?! GERALD Yes. Honey. MARGARET
Where are you?! GERALD I’m in the bathroom of course… MARGARET
What?! GERALD Bathroom! In the bathroom! MARGARET
Use your new razor I got you for Christmas! I left it on the sink! GERALD OK. MARGARET
I spent a lot of money on it! It has special features and it took a long time to find it! So you better use it and not put it in the back of the shelf like you did with the last razor I bought! GERALD
I will! (To himself) What was wrong with the old one? MARGARET
What?! GERALD
OK I will, I’ll use it. I see it. It’s right here. (He pauses before checking to see if she’s still there) OK?
RAZOR Power on for Blue Steel Turbo Power Razor 4000!
RAZOR You man enough for four blades?
RAZOR I’m askin’ you a question, milquetoast. You man enough for four blades?
RAZOR Didja know you set me on three blades, Nancy? Three blades! GERALD Three blades is … fine. RAZOR Gah! I suppose three blades are just fine if you need your pacy and a bottle after working with such dangerous equipment. Boy Gerald, does the little woman to shave off the edges of soap for you, too? GERALD No. This’ll be fine. Close enough. RAZOR Did you even take a gander at how many blades this bad boy is packin’? 10 pieces of steel. Damn straight, your little Christmas Razor is packing 10 blades, baby! That kinda changes the ol’ shavin’ equation, don’t it, Gerald?! Whoo hoo! GERALD You’re sure an aggressive…razor. RAZOR Yeah well, it’s time we brought some cahones into this shaving game. Speaking of which, can we lose the sissy bow? GERALD What? RAZOR Ol’ Mrs. Battleaxe has gone off to run her errands, right? GERALD Margaret? Yeah, I guess that’s where she went. RAZOR So take off the bow, Poindexter. Christmas is over. GERALD
Yeah. Christmas is over.
RAZOR Whatsa matter? Can’t pull the trigger? I’m set for your wussy three blades. (The ominous sound again) Blue Steel Turbo Power Razor 4000 armed and ready! GERALD Yeah.
RAZOR So shave your stupid ass face already, Gerald. Jesus H. GERALD OK.
GERALD She’s not running errands. Margaret. My wife. She’s not running errands. RAZOR Uh-huh. GERALD That’s what she says. But it’s not errands. RAZOR Lookit, I’m not a stupid razor. Three blades tells me all I need to know about what’s goin’ on in this house. GERALD It’s this . . . guy at work. A boss. RAZOR Bet he shaves like he has a backbone. GERALD She feels guilty. That’s what she says. He’s her boss and there are issues with that. She doesn’t know how it happened. She says. She’s with him every day. He’s got big sideburns. She’s trying to get out of it. RAZOR Yeah right. GERALD She feels guilty. I know that for sure. This Christmas I got a lot of presents. RAZOR Like me. GERALD Oh yeah. RAZOR So you balk at using the full force of Blue Steel Turbo Power as I’m a bribe so Margo can feel better about a desk jockey getting her all lathered up? Is that the case? Uhg. I feel dirty. Wash me off. Wash me!
RAZOR Better. Gerald you are king putz. But it’s been that way your whole life, hasn’ it? The path of least resistance. You skated through high school, went to a non-threatening university, moved back close to home, got married to the first girl that would let you get to second base and settled in as the unimaginative and unenthusiastic manager of a copy store. GERALD How’d you know all that? RAZOR Margaret paid with a credit card. Connected the dots on your credit history. Easy. GERALD Oh. RAZOR To top it all off, wifey is giving away free hummers like dime candy and you’re worried about how guilty she feels? I say again. King putz. GERALD You know I could turn you off. RAZOR You ain’t gonna do that ‘cause I’m hitting you where you live. You ever notice how nobody talks to you straight, Gerald? They mealy-mouth, they mumble, they avert their eyes. Margaret yells at you from the other room, but face to face she can’t even look at you. Damn, how many times have you shaved your face only for another abject, mind-numbing day of humilation, manipulation and diminished expectations? GERALD
Should I cut my throat? RAZOR Who’d notice? Be a couple of days with the stink before anybody realized you were gone. No, I’m talkin’ about something that would make a difference. I’m talkin’ about a close shave. GERALD What difference would that make? RAZOR I’m bettin’ Margaret would stop schtupin’ Johnny Sideburns and meet your gaze every once in a while. GERALD
Or I could kill her. RAZOR That’s funny. No you couldn’t. Seriously, here’s your out, Betty. A man’s shave. GERALD You mean 10 blades? RAZOR Oh no. See that other little button on my handle. Not the green go button but the red one the other side. Push that.
GERALD Uh. Is this safe? RAZOR Not completely. But c’mon King Putz. Time to be a real man! COME ON! LET’S SHAVE!
MARGARET
Gerald?! GERALD Yes. Honey.
Where are you?! GERALD I’m in the bathroom of course… MARGARET
What?! GERALD Bathroom! In the bathroom! MARGARET
Since you wouldn’t do it I bought you a new razor and threw that old piece of crap away. The new one is on the sink! GERALD
Oh thank God.
MARGARET
I spent a lot of money on it! So you better use it! GERALD
I will! MARGARET
I have to go to the office for that special project! I won’t be back until late! GERALD That’s fine. Whatever. MARGARET What?! GERALD Bye!
RAZOR 6000 Power on for Blue Steel Turbo Power Razor 6000! Whatsa matter, Sally? 12 blades too much for you? GERALD Oh crap.
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Still Better Than Staying Home |
