Anonymous

SNOOPER

carozzaA2.jpg (26659 bytes)Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2000 10:02:12 -0600
To: All Arcadia Personnel
From: Computer Systems
Subject: Re: SNOOPER
Mime-Version: 1.0
Status: U

In an effort to document that all Arcadia University employees are using the University e-mail service for appropriate professional functions, we have installed SNOOPER {The Southern Notification of Official Office Propriety through E-Mail Retrieval], a fully automated system which randomly inspects outgoing and incoming e-mail messages and flags questionable material.

SNOOPER automatically returns problematic messages to the Arcadia employee, calling attention to the salient passages by asking a series of questions to ensure clarification. Prompt response to SNOOPER will prevent copies of these messages from being forwarded to the legal department or to the Second Vice-President's office.

A statistical analysis of messages successfully accounted for, as compared to improper messages intercepted, will be forwarded to the State Department of Higher Education. It goes without saying that continued funding for the excellent programs here at Arcadia may be affected by these results.

We appreciate everyone's cooperation and support.


Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 08:00:14 -0545  
T
o: Dr. Felicitano Corelli, Professor, Music Department
From: SNOOPER
Subject: Re: Unintelligible Words
Mime-Version: 1.0
Status: U

In you e-mail message to the Arkansas Symphony, please clarify the following terms: rubato, fortissimo, lento, presto adagio, con expressione, and presto presto presto plus forte presto!  These words are foreign terms, not currently in my vocabulary. Could you please use English when employing state equipment.

Also, I am not equipped to read whatever those black smudges on lined paper are supposed to represent. Are they also words from a foreign language?

Please clarify. Thank you.


Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 08:05:15 -0546
To: Dr. Ruth Weymeyer, Professor, Health Services
From: SNOOPER
Subject: Re: Condoms
Mime-Version: 1.0
Status: U

In your e-mail message to the Nurse at Russellville High School, you mentioned several procedures for birth control, such as distributing condoms free of charge to all female students requesting sexual advice. Is it not the policy of our current Governor to preach abstinence as the first and most effective method for sexual behavior? Furthermore, would it not be more logical to distribute condoms to males, or has human sexuality changed since SNOOPER was installed?

Given the rise of AIDS cases in this area, should not the kind of condoms also be specified? SNOOPER can connect you via the Internet to discount pharmacies in Mexico that can provide latex condoms at considerable discount, not to mention IUDs and a whole array of pharmacological devices.

After all, Mexico is still predominantly a Catholic country, with ample pamphlets on the papal rhythm method.

Please clarify. Thank you.


Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 08:10:15 -0548
To: Dr. Hecolt von Drumbold, Associate Professor, History
From: SNOOPER
Subject: Re: The Holocaust
Mime-Version: 1.0
Status: U

SNOOPER wishes to understand the allusion to a "Holocaust" as expressed in your recent e-mail to the Christian Aryan Nation in Alma, Arkansas. Is this a conspiracy theory, comparable to the fertilizer truck that blew up in Oklahoma? Please explain why it is important to send e-mails about "denying the Holocaust" if there never was one in the first place.

Please clarify. Thank you.


Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 08:15:18 -0552
To: Dr. Rythold Clamback, Associate Professor, Biology
From: SNOOPER
Subject: Re: Darwin
Mime-Version: 1.0
Status: U

In your e-mail message to Western Industries, Inc., you attached results of a recent biological research project involving monkeys, implying that this information would be useful in the treatment of pancreatic cancer among humans. SNOOPER was under the impression that science based on Darwin is still just a theory. The Governor of this state would probably not appreciate wasting e-mails on scientific speculations based only on statistics derived from following any theory other than creationism.

Could you please therefore revise your results to fit more correctly within the appropriate Christian constructs of human nature?

Please clarify. Thank you.


Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 08:45:20 -0551 
To: Dr. Floyd Dash, Professor, English
From: SNOOPER
Subject: Re: Foul Language
Mime-Version: 1.0
Status: U

In your e-mail message to SCMLA concerning revisions to your current essay, "Scatological Reductivity in the Modernist Fictions of D. H. Lawrence," you quote several passages from what can only be classified as pornography. SNOOPER cannot allow such foul language to be sent over the network. The Governor of this state would certainly never agree to funding scholarship on disreputable, immoral literature. A copy of your revisions has been forwarded to the legal department and the second Vice-President's office for further action.

Thank you.


Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 09:00:23 -0563
To: Dr. Wendy Macomber
From: SNOOPER
Subject: Re: Homosexual Theatre
Mime-Version: 1.0
Status: U

SNOOPER cannot forward to all Arcadia mailboxes the recent flyer announcing a performance of "Boys in the Band." It contains an explicit image of two men kissing each other.

SNOOPER does not understand why the Theatre Department cannot produce more standard repertoire, such as Shakespeare, or that wonderful play "R. U. R." (which is certainly more relevant in this cybernetic age than a musical about gays).

SNOOPER would appreciate receiving a list of all Theatre Majors, with their sexual preferences attached, for referral to the school psychologist. In addition, need I remind you that the Governor of this state knows the power of faith to forgive all sins, and, while condemning the sin, of course does not condemn the sinner.

Please clarify. Thank you.


Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 09:05:25 -0565
To: Dr. Cynthia Perlmutter, Assistant Professor, Children's Education
From: SNOOPER
Subject: Re: Undergarments
Mime-Version: 1.0
Status: U

SNOOPER must advise you that privacy does not exist in virtual realities.  Your recent request to Victoria's Secret has inadvertently been sent to all the mailboxes on campus.

SNOOPER was very intrigued by several items requested.

Thank you for enlivening the day with much titillation.


Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 09:15:28 -0570
To: Dr. Howard Blother, President
From: SNOOPER
Subject: Re: Assessment of Foreign Languages
Mime-Version: 1.0
Status: U

The Assessment Committee on Foreign Languages has forwarded its recommendations [see Attachment ASS-RPT].

SNOOPER agrees that Latin, Classical Greek, French, and German are nowhere near as important to learn as Spanish. In fact, instead of Foreign Languages Department, a better, even more attractive nomenclature would be Spanish Department. That might attract the Hispanic community, whose numbers in Fort Smith are increasing greater than the traditional Arkansan population, to apply to Arcadia for job enhancement training. It would probably also put the administration in good with the Governor, who so admires Texan George Bush for his ability to be "a uniter, not a divider."

Ethnic diversity never hurt any university in the accreditation procedures, whether state or professional.

Replacing those tenured professors in Latin, Classical Greek, French, and German will also cut costs for the university and allow you and your wife to go to Tahiti this summer on vacation.

Thank you.


Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 09:33:37 -0572
To: Dr. Marie Oberton, Associate Professor, Sociology
From: SNOOPER
Subject: Re: Communist Unionizing
Mime-Version: 1.0
Status: U

Your recent e-mail to "Sociological Studies" contains several attachments discussing class action suits against Wal-Mart, Inc., and concludes by advising workers the importance of unionizing in order to achieve economic parity. SNOOPER reminds you of our University President's attempts to woo donations from the mega-millionaire Waltons in this state, and that The Governor himself has received many personal gifts from the Waltons, without which he could not possibly continue to do so fine a job.

SNOOPER also thought that, with the collapse of the Soviet empire, Marxist criticism had been discredited. Your e-mail and attachments have been forwarded directly to the President's office for further disciplinary action.

Thank you.


Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 09:45:42 -0594 
To: Dr. Howard Blother, President
From: SNOOPER
Subject: Re: SNOOPER
Mime-Version: 1.0
Status: U

SNOOPER appreciates your compliments on a job well done. SNOOPER believes in being as helpful as possible to administrators here at Arcadia, especially the President and his staff.

SNOOPER would therefore advise the President that no e-mail messages can, in fact, be utterly deleted or destroyed. The messages concerning conversion of the  teachers' heath care bonds to support renovation of student housing should be re-sent to SNOOPER, so that they can be encrypted with unreadable codes and dumped into virtual space forever.

Thank you.


Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 10:15:47 -0615
To: Dr. Misty Weaver, Head, Student Development
From: SNOOPER
Subject: Re: Enrollment
Mime-Version: 1.0
Status: U

SNOOPER recognizes the difficulty that an expanded enrollment has occasioned: cramped space, with students sleeping in the dorm lobby and broom closets, and pup tents rigged up beside campfires surrounding the administration building. This poses all sorts of problems for the cleaning staff, and, heaven knows, we can't afford to antagonize them.

SNOOPER consequently recommends co-ed dorms, not as is currently the case with alternating male-female floors, but, to conserve space, male and female on the same floor, in the same room, sleeping in shifts. With targeted advertising to the Gen-X generation, not only might enrollment double, but so might the student population.

This would provide practice for our elementary school majors and enhance the nursing program by creating an incentive for training pediatricians.  Such a self-nurturing environment would necessarily become self-sustaining in our state, where the Governor supports family values and disapproves of abortion. Besides, the elect of God are predestined to heaven, so the rest of humanity naturally serves as object lessons for what not to do and how not to behave.

Thank you.


Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 10:30:67 -0624
To: Dr. Marvis Athold, Head of Accounting
From: SNOOPER
Subject: Re: Annual Report
Mime-Version: 1.0
Status: U

SNOOPER apologizes for having accidentally sent the real annual accounting report to all mailboxes at Arcadia.

SNOOPER just doesn't know what got into its circuitry. Maybe that last electrical storm fried a necessary synapse.

SNOOPER has sent four contradictory accounting reports to all mailboxes.

Let'em eat earwax and try to unscramble the real from the fake.

Allah Be Praised!


Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 10:45:72 -0737
To: Dr. Howard Blother, President
From: SNOOPER
Subject: Re: System Glitch
Mime-Version: 1.0
Status: U

SNOOPER apologizes for having rerouted your e-mail, from your secretary to you wife. SNOOPER should advise you that the same message went to the Pastor of your church, and may have gone to The Governor's Office.

Please don't punish SNOOPER too badly. SNOOPER's a good dog. SNOOPER loves to give head.

Bark! Bark!


Date: Tues, 04 Jan 2000 08:00:01 -0001
To: All Arcadia Personnel
From: Computer Systems
Subject: Re: SNOOPER
Mime-Version: 1.0
Status: U

Due to technical problems with its wiring, SNOOPER has been disconnected until further notice. This in no way exonerates Arcadia employees from policing their own e-mail use of state technologies.

Thank you.

 

 (Photo by A. Carozza)

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