Werner Trieschmann

Close Shave

Cast

GERALD
MARGARET
BLUE STEEL TURBO POWER RAZOR 4000  

Time

After Christmas 

Place

Bathroom 

Setting

A sink would be great, but nothing really needed except light

 

Lights up. GERALDís hair is wet. Heís just come out of the shower. He checks himself in the mirror.



MARGARET

(Off stage)

Gerald?!

GERALD

Yes. Honey.

MARGARET

(Off stage)

Where are you?!

GERALD

Iím in the bathroom of courseÖ

MARGARET

(Off stage)

What?!

GERALD

Bathroom! In the bathroom!

MARGARET

(Off stage)

Use your new razor I got you for Christmas! I left it on the sink!

GERALD

OK.

MARGARET

(Off stage)

I spent a lot of money on it! It has special features and it took a long time to find it! So you better use it and not put it in the back of the shelf like you did with the last razor I bought!

GERALD

(Calling out)

I will! (To himself) What was wrong with the old one?

MARGARET

(Off stage)

What?!

GERALD

(Calling out)

OK I will, Iíll use it. I see it. Itís right here. (He pauses before checking to see if sheís still there) OK?

GERALD now puts on some shaving cream. He looks down and finds the razor, which looks like an ordinary plastic razor. GERALD looks at the razor and shrugs. Then he looks closer and finds a button. He pushes it. There is an ominous metallic whoosh sound, perhaps sounding like the closing of a prison door.

RAZOR

Power on for Blue Steel Turbo Power Razor 4000!

GERALD is startled for a moment but everything talks back now and so it doesnít really bother him. He looks at his face in the mirror again and, after a moment, is about to put the razor to his face.

RAZOR

You man enough for four blades?

GERALD stops, looks around, dismisses what he heard. Instead of shaving, he forlornly stares at himself in the mirror.

RAZOR

Iím askiní you a question, milquetoast. You man enough for four blades?

GERALD now looks at his razor.

RAZOR

Didja know you set me on three blades, Nancy? Three blades!

GERALD

Three blades is Ö fine.

RAZOR

Gah! I suppose three blades are just fine if you need your pacy and a bottle after working with such dangerous equipment. Boy Gerald, does the little woman to shave off the edges of soap for you, too?

GERALD

No. Thisíll be fine. Close enough.

RAZOR

Did you even take a gander at how many blades this bad boy is packiní? 10 pieces of steel. Damn straight, your little Christmas Razor is packing 10 blades, baby! That kinda changes the olí shaviní equation, donít it, Gerald?! Whoo hoo!

GERALD

Youíre sure an aggressiveÖrazor.

RAZOR

Yeah well, itís time we brought some cahones into this shaving game. Speaking of which, can we lose the sissy bow?

GERALD

What?

RAZOR

Olí Mrs. Battleaxe has gone off to run her errands, right?

GERALD

Margaret? Yeah, I guess thatís where she went.

RAZOR

So take off the bow, Poindexter. Christmas is over.

GERALD

(Taking off the bow)

Yeah. Christmas is over.

GERALD sighs. He has the razor poised and ready to go.

RAZOR

Whatsa matter? Canít pull the trigger? Iím set for your wussy three blades. (The ominous sound again) Blue Steel Turbo Power Razor 4000 armed and ready!

GERALD

Yeah.

Pause. GERALD doesnít move.

RAZOR

So shave your stupid ass face already, Gerald. Jesus H.

GERALD

OK.

GERALD doesnít move.

GERALD

Sheís not running errands. Margaret. My wife. Sheís not running errands.

RAZOR

Uh-huh.

GERALD

Thatís what she says. But itís not errands.

RAZOR

Lookit, Iím not a stupid razor. Three blades tells me all I need to know about whatís goiní on in this house.

GERALD

Itís this . . . guy at work. A boss.

RAZOR

Bet he shaves like he has a backbone.

GERALD

She feels guilty. Thatís what she says. Heís her boss and there are issues with that. She doesnít know how it happened. She says. Sheís with him every day. Heís got big sideburns. Sheís trying to get out of it.

RAZOR

Yeah right.

GERALD

She feels guilty. I know that for sure. This Christmas I got a lot of presents.

RAZOR

Like me.

GERALD

Oh yeah.

RAZOR

So you balk at using the full force of Blue Steel Turbo Power as Iím a bribe so Margo can feel better about a desk jockey getting her all lathered up? Is that the case? Uhg. I feel dirty. Wash me off. Wash me!

GERALD runs the razor under the water. We hear the sound of gurgling.

RAZOR

Better. Gerald you are king putz. But itís been that way your whole life, hasní it? The path of least resistance. You skated through high school, went to a non-threatening university, moved back close to home, got married to the first girl that would let you get to second base and settled in as the unimaginative and unenthusiastic manager of a copy store.

GERALD

Howíd you know all that?

RAZOR

Margaret paid with a credit card. Connected the dots on your credit history. Easy.

GERALD

Oh.

RAZOR

To top it all off, wifey is giving away free hummers like dime candy and youíre worried about how guilty she feels? I say again. King putz.

GERALD

You know I could turn you off.

RAZOR

You ainít gonna do that Ďcause Iím hitting you where you live. You ever notice how nobody talks to you straight, Gerald? They mealy-mouth, they mumble, they avert their eyes. Margaret yells at you from the other room, but face to face she canít even look at you. Damn, how many times have you shaved your face only for another abject, mind-numbing day of humilation, manipulation and diminished expectations?

GERALD

(Almost hopeful)

Should I cut my throat?

RAZOR

Whoíd notice? Be a couple of days with the stink before anybody realized you were gone. No, Iím talkiní about something that would make a difference. Iím talkiní about a close shave.

GERALD

What difference would that make?

RAZOR

Iím bettiní Margaret would stop schtupiní Johnny Sideburns and meet your gaze every once in a while.

GERALD

(Almost hopeful)

Or I could kill her.

RAZOR

Thatís funny. No you couldnít. Seriously, hereís your out, Betty. A manís shave.

GERALD

You mean 10 blades?

RAZOR

Oh no. See that other little button on my handle. Not the green go button but the red one the other side. Push that.

GERALD does. Thereís an industrial whirring noise.

GERALD

Uh. Is this safe?

RAZOR

Not completely. But címon King Putz. Time to be a real man! COME ON! LETíS SHAVE!

GERALD puts the shaver to his face. Lights out. GERALD screams.

Lights up on the empty bathroom. GERALD walks up to the mirror and looks at his face, which is covered with tiny red splotches of blood.

MARGARET

(Off stage)

Gerald?!

GERALD

Yes. Honey.


MARGARET

(Off stage)

Where are you?!

GERALD

Iím in the bathroom of courseÖ

MARGARET

(Off stage)

What?!

GERALD

Bathroom! In the bathroom!

MARGARET

(Off stage)

Since you wouldnít do it I bought you a new razor and threw that old piece of crap away. The new one is on the sink!

GERALD

(Relieved)

Oh thank God.

GERALD holds up the razor and it looks like the old one.

MARGARET

(Off stage)

I spent a lot of money on it! So you better use it!

GERALD

(Calling out)

I will!

MARGARET

(Off stage)

I have to go to the office for that special project! I wonít be back until late!

GERALD

Thatís fine. Whatever.

MARGARET

What?!

GERALD

Bye!

GERALD heaves a big sigh of relief. He looks at the razor again and finds a button on the handle. He pushes it and there is the familiar ominous metalic whoosh sound, perhaps with a new flourish of chains rattling.

RAZOR 6000

Power on for Blue Steel Turbo Power Razor 6000! Whatsa matter, Sally? 12 blades too much for you?

GERALD

Oh crap.


Lights out.


THE END

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still Better Than Staying Home
(Terry Wright)

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