Werner Trieschmann

Mountain Dew Church Pin Cherry Bomb

Or  A Love Story

 

Cast

CAM Ė 17, large but not necessarily soft, wears cut offs and a T-shirt, perhaps of some ominous, not-necessarily known metal band

LEE Ė 15, short, flat-chested girl with short hair. Sheís also in cut-offs. CAMís first cousin.

Time

July 4

Place

Backyard of LEEís house in the South 

Setting

An empty space with a perhaps a suggestion of dark woods in background. 

Lights up on CAM and LEE. They both have brown sacks of fireworks. CAM has a green can of soda in his hand. LEE is pulling out her fireworks and showing them to CAM.

 

LEE

Ö and this Red Devil bottle rocket is pretty big. And this fountain is like the tallest one they had. And these tanks are loud....

CAM

(Grabbing Leeís sack from her)

Öuh-huh and some bad ass Snap ĎN Pops and some sparklers.

CAM throws the sack on the ground. LEE picks it up.

LEE

(Acknowledging the lameness)

Those are for the twins.

CAM

Yeah. OK, Lee. Right.

Pause. CAM takes a swig from his drink.

LEE

What do you have, Cam? Huh, why donít you let me see?

CAM

What the hell you care?

LEE

My dad said I could set all my fireworks off by myself Ė except for the rocket Ė but I could do everything else since I turned 15 last month and he said Iím practically grown. 

CAM

(Hands LEE his sack)

What do ya think your daddy would say about this?  

 LEE looks inside the sack.  

LEE

Itís just a firecracker. 

CAM

Gimmie it. (CAM snatches the sack back from LEE) Itís a cherry bomb Ė a cherry bomb -- and itís practically illegal like almost a stick of dynamite and Iím gonna blow a big hole in somethiní in a few minutes so why dontcha ya run up on the deck where itís safe with the twins and your momma and daddy and have some, I donít know, ice cream.  

LEE

My dad wonít like it at all if you blow up part of his yard. Heís real fussy about it and makes me and the twins come out and pick up sticks even after a slight breeze.  

CAM

Maybe Iíll light this cherry bomb and throw it down your pants.  

LEE

You wouldnít do that.   

CAM

I wouldnít?  

LEE

Donít do that, Cam.  

CAM

What do you think your daddy would do to me, Lee? Make me pick up sticks? Or go to his Bible study?   

LEE

You know we prayed for you. When we heard what happened. My dad brought us all into the den and asked us to pray for you.  

Pause. CAM doesnít know how to respond to this. He stares at LEE and then takes another drink. 

LEE

But I didnít because I knew you wouldnít like it. So while mom and the twins were bowing their heads and praying, I had my eyes open and watched them.  

CAM

Sure. 

LEE

I did, I swear to God.  

CAM

Lookit, I donít need nobody to pray over me. We all know that everybody in your family is puss churchgoers. My dad says your dad is a puss. On the drive over here my dad was sayiní your dad was whiny puss growiní up, cryiní when he fell off his bike and or like when my dad made him eat dirt and all this Iím saved Holy Rolliní Bible thumpiní makes him even more of a puss. And youíre his little puss daughter, little Lee with bird legs and a little flat chest.  

LEE

Then youíre a Cro-Magnon!  

CAM

Maybe Iíll steal one of your Red Devils and shoot it at your dadís face.  

LEE

You are descended from the apes! You know those charts in schools with the apes coming out of the evolutionary water. Theyíre all slumped over like a question mark and then they get straighter and straighter until they have shaved and are carrying a briefcase. You are back there with the question marks. Thatís what you are, Cam. An ape question mark.  

CAM

Then why dontcha get outta my face and let me get drunk by myself.  

LEE

Youíre drinking!?! 

CAM

And you better shut up your little trap about it, too.  Yeah, I lifted some Jack from daddyís special cabinet Ďfore we left. Mixed it with the Mountain Dew.  

LEE

Whatís it taste like? 

CAM

What, you gonna drink some? 

LEE

I might.  

CAM hands her the can.  

CAM

Here little cousin. Dare ya.  

LEE

That smells foul.  

CAM snatches the can back.  

LEE

You know drinkinís a sin.  Itís like one of the worst sins, desecrating Godís temple.                

CAM

Youíre such a little queer bait.  

LEE

                        I am not queer.  

CAM

How come your chest is so flat? You born a boy? 

LEE

No.  

CAM

Bet you were. Thereís this retard in our school you canít tell if heís a boy or girl and theyíve like done all these surgeries on him and like they canít make up their mind what they want him to be. One day itís a boy and the other day itís a girl. Somebody caught the retard in the bathroom with his pants down and said it was blue spaghetti down there. Bet youíre like that.  

LEE

I am not! 

CAM

Ha!  Only somebody with spaghetti down there would say that.  

LEE

Iíll show you I am not. I am a girl. See.   

Back to the audience, LEE pulls down her pants for CAM. CAM stares. After a few seconds, LEE pulls them back up again.  

LEE

My boobs are cominí. Itís gonna be slow. My mom says my brain and my mouth are growiní first and my boobs are second.   

CAM

Yeah.  

LEE

Told ya. 

CAM

I saw it.  

Pause. 

LEE

Are you gonna light that cherry bomb? 

CAM

Of course.  

LEE

Youíll get in big trouble.  

CAM

Iím aready in trouble, queer bait.  

LEE

But there was that deal where you donít have to go to jail. Thatís what my dad was sayiní. 

CAM

Yeah, I gotta go to military school in about three weeks.   

LEE

Donít you learn how to shoot a gun in military school?  

CAM

Eventually I guess. 

LEE

You sure your parents know what theyíre doing? 

CAM

They know. Theyíre just packing me off to get rid of me. They canít stand the sight of me. Thatís what my mother said to my face. Right to my face. They want to stick me somewhere and give Casey all their love and attention. 

LEE

Caseyís already a spoiled daddyís girl.  

CAM

They say discipline will take care of my Ďanger issues.í Itís only going to make me more angry. I hate Ďem all. All of them are liars. The teachers and mental health professionals and mom and dad.  

LEE

You donít mean that.  

CAM

Hate you too, little cousin.  

LEE

Why? 

CAM

ĎCause. (Pause) You gonna show me your nasty again?  That was fun. Donít think they give out church pins for that you know.  

LEE

Who told you about my church pin? 

CAM

I think your dad called our house every day for a month just bragging his ass off about you and your perfect attendance church pin. You think my parents would blow it off, especially coming from your dad, but no, they just figured it was one more way to rag on me, one more way to point out how I am a failure and a disappointment. Not that they go tí church more than two or three times a year.    

LEE

Yesterday I threw my church pin in those woods back there. Threw it away. I did.  

CAM

So? 

LEE

Iím just telling you. 

CAM

Why did ya do that?  

LEE

It was a cheap pin. Like plastic.  

CAM

Your parents will be pissed.         

LEE

I know.  

CAM

OK. Whatever, Lee.  

LEE

They gave me a pin for being at church. Just for being there. You would have thought I was a saint like up on those stained glass windows with the halo and the blood cominí out of my mouth. They donít know what I was thinking while I was at church.  

LEE grabs CAMís sack. 

CAM

Hey! 

LEE pulls out the cherry bomb. 

LEE

This doesnít look like anything that dangerous. 

CAM

It is. A cherry bomb blew off a kidís hand once. Now give it.  

LEE

Are you just gonna talk or are you really gonna light it? 

CAM

Give it back. I donít know.  

LEE

Now whoís being the puss?                  

CAM

Would you give it back?  You could hurt yourself.   

LEE

I love you. 

CAM

What?! 

LEE

I know Iím not supposed to, but I do. You think our babies would look all weird?  

CAM

Our babies? 

LEE

Yeah, would they be weird lookiní?  Weíre first cousins. Theyíd have like no necks or somethiní.    

CAM

I guess they would.  

LEE takes a lighter out of her pocket, flicks it on.  

CAM

What are you doing?!  

LEE bends down and lights the cherry bomb.  

CAM

Címon Lee, you better run! 

LEE

Come here, cousin.   

CAM walks over to LEE. SHE grabs his shirt and pulls him in for a kiss directly over the cherry bomb.  

Blackout.  

The sound of an explosion.

 

THE END

 

 

 

 

Song of San Onofre
(Terry Wright)

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